Originally published on my old childcare site.
Tantrums are a fact of life
Earlier today, my 2-year-old was exuberantly happy. Then, he wasn’t. Of course, he told me how he was feeling; he screamed, shouted, threw his milk, cried, held me close, pushed me away, sobbed, grabbed his (now empty) cup and threw it again. He couldn’t explain what he needed or why it was important, but he could certainly tell me he wasn’t happy.
When children experience big emotions they have no way to explain or understand them. Unpleasant feelings flood their body so, hoping someone can help them feel better, they fall apart – loudly.
Embrace Emotion
Young children are learning to understand a world that doesn’t understand them. Small events can trigger huge emotions, and it falls to us to help our children navigate them.
Imagine telling a friend about a struggle you are experiencing. You are emotional and sad; they reject you, dismiss you, laugh at you, or yell at you. They tell you to be quiet or say, “It’s not a big deal.” Perhaps they grab a camera to share your anguish online.
Would you feel calmer or more able to cope?
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Sadly, when a child is suffering emotionally, adults often dismiss their feelings as being silly or view the emotion as an inconvenience. But, just because we don’t understand why something is hard to handle doesn’t make it any less distressing for the child.
Children are not giving us a hard time, they are having a hard time.
So what can we do?
Join the conversation
[bctt tweet=”The simplest way to calm & help a person who is upset is to listen. So, to calm a child’s tantrum, we join the conversation. #parenting #kids” username=”@bee_kids”]
Tantrums are simply one side of a discussion. So, this is our opportunity to participate in the conversation…
1. Be present
Being present can vary. Sometimes, cuddles are needed; other times, we need to give space (while remaining close). Often, a small, gentle touch will help. Mostly, we need to be there.
2. Listen
Be quiet. Listen (yes, listen to the crying). Crying is talking. We can soothe, nod, agree, and participate in the conversation without dispensing advice.
3. Take turns
In conversation, when there is a pause it is our turn to speak. Follow the same rhythm. When a person is upset, they are vulnerable. Let them control the flow.
4. Identify
Children listen when we talk with them, not at them. Identify how the child is feeling, and narrate it, ex, “You are so sad the blue cup is dirty.” This simple act shows the child we understand their feelings and we accept and support them. As a bonus, this will also help develop language skills for the future!
5. Resolve
A good conversation is one where everyone is heard. To demonstrate we have listened, summarize what was discussed. Encourage the child to show they have also heard us by asking a couple of simple questions.
Tantrums and emotional outbursts of any kind are an invitation to talk. We don’t need to tame our toddlers; we need to transform the tantrum.
If this seems like a lot of effort, it is so much easier than a prolonged shouting match. Over time we build trust, we solidify a healthy and supportive relationship, and we model how to better support other people.
Keep buzzin’
NOTE: Since first writing this post, about 2.5 years ago, I continue to join the conversation. My son still has big emotions, and he expresses them with enthusiasm. Importantly, he knows I am there to support him, and he is building ways to navigate and express his feelings healthily.